He stares at the needle that has stopped at sixty and exclaims, “I can’t believe I lost a hundred pounds!” Third lady: “So am I! Let’s go to a bar!”Ī really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. Three hard-of-hearing old ladies are walking down the street. What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic. ![]() What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About five beers. The Dalai Lama walks into a bar and halfway through his drink the bartender asks, “How is everything?”Ī pony walks into a bar and in a soft and raspy voice says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender says, “Sure, buddy, sounds like you got a cough.” The pony replies, “No, I’m just a little hoarse.”Ī willow tree walks into a bar and a guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, “Who’s the new guy?” The bartender says, “I don’t know, but I’ve heard he’s shady!” ![]() The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” The bartender says, “Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?”Ī guy walks into a bar, sits down, then hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, this time saying, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is talking to him?” The bartender says, “Oh, those are the peanuts, they’re complimentary!”įour fonts walk into a bar and the barman says: “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”Ī, C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar. The blonde says, “Because I heard that the drinks were on the house.”Ī priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer, and a blonde walk into a bar. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, shakes him, and yells: “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”Ī blonde carrying a ladder walks into a bar and the bartender asks her why she brought a ladder. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. Eventually, someone leans over and says to the mushroom, “You’re a fungi (fun guy) to have around.”Īn Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman walk into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. He walks to the bartender and asks for a drink again.īartender: “Aren’t you that string I just refused to serve?”Ī guy walks into a bar with jumper cables and the bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t be starting anything!”Ī mushroom walks into a bar and buys drinks for everyone. The string then walks into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and messes up his end. ![]() What’s it called when you get a really bad wine hangover? The grape depression.īartender: “We don’t serve strings here.” One was a salted.Ī skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer and a mop.”Ī hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.” Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells them that this is a singles bar.Ī duck walks in a bar and orders a beer then says put it on my bill. ![]() The grasshopper says, “Really, you’ve got aĪ horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”Ī giraffe walks into a bar and says, “Hey, guys, the high balls are on me!” The bartender says, “We have a drink named after you.”
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